Pledge at HAL

Women taking a pledge at HAL, Bangalore
"....to improve the lives of our families and children...Khuda Gawah"

More Field Visits

Chamrajpet Chawls


Been travelling in the hot sun all over Bangalore. Have visited slums in Chamrajpet, HAL, Halasuru, Koramangala, Yeshwantpur so far.....large number of field visits remain. No better way to understand the issues of the poor unless one spends a decent amount of time with them. Some more pictures attached. Views on micro finance as a poverty alleviation tool are crystallizing...will put up a post soon....

Update!!

Quick life update - have joined Ujjivan, an urban micro finance company as the marketing head. Job is to create financially inclusive products for our customers, who are working poor women.
Some pics of my first field visit:

The hill

An old friend from a frozen time sent in this poem.

A : In memory of my wonderful times with you, I am posting this for posterity here. Love.

The Hill

This normative hill
like all others
is transparently accessible,
out there
and in the mind,
not to be missed
except in peril of one's life.

Do not muse on it
from a distance:
it's not remote
for the view only,
it's for the sport
of climbing.

What the hill demands
is a man
with forces flowering
as from the crevices
of rocks and rough surfaces
wild flowers
force themselves towards the sun
and burn
for a moment. 

How often must I
say to myself
what I say to others:
trust your nerves—
in conversation or in bed
the rhythm comes.
And once you begin
hang on for life.

What is survival?
What is existence?
I am not talking about
poetry. I am
talking about
perishing outrageously
and calling it
activity.

I say: be done with it.
I say: you've got to love that hill.
Be wrathful, be impatient
that you are not
on the hill. Do not forgive
yourself or other,
though charity
is all very well.

Do not rest
in irony or acceptance.
Man should not laugh
when he is dying.
In decent death
you flow into another kind of time
which is the hill
you always thought you knew.

    -- Nissim Ezekiel

Packing

Today is one of the last weekends in London. Moving countries can be overwhelming, I discovered. As I was telling a friend, M, earlier, I have moved 8 homes in the last 4 years! And travelled to 15 countries in the last 2 years - Greece, Italy, The Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, France, England, Wales, Scotland, Spain, Morocco, Sweden, Norway, America and good ol India ! Have taken over 60 flights in 2 years and done the India-London leg alone around 14 times, Lon-NY 3 times, Lon-Paris over 15 times.

Much of the world remains to be seen. I am very keen on doing the Far East, Japan, Cambodia and Africa. Europe now seems largely similar - although each country was unique, I found a common vein running through all and soon there came a degree of predictability on what to expect - however Eastern Europe could be potentially interesting. The travel bug bit and took its pound of flesh, however is now satiated for the moment and hibernating for a bit. The sense of 'hurry' to see the world appears to have calmed down for now and there is a realization that a good part of life remains to see and absorb the rest of our beautiful world.

The last 3 months have been far too overwhelming at work to do any travel or to paint or write anything meaningful or even attempt to play the guitar. It was a tough period of complex negotiations, running the last lap of a very long race, a time when I internalized the identity of a banker - very strange this, only when the end was near did I begin to feel like one. Well, I guess one begins to appreciate only when the time becomes obviously finite. It was also a time of a painter's block, writer's block, music block...basically a creative glut. It is quite interesting how the mind needs such a huge amount of space and a sense of being free emotionally and mentally to be able to observe and create. This is going to be a challenge in the coming months. Entrepreneurship, in its very definition has a strong sense of ownership to the job and in that sense; it is going to be hard to ‘feel free and disengaged' to dissolve into a different kind of a creative space.

My father often reminds me of the need to have a 'primary sense of identity' ie where all other personas are complementary – his distilled words of wisdom to prevent internal chaos and live in harmony. In the past, as a teenager, I have thought of pursing the 'arts' and giving a life to it and many times wondered with an inevitable tinge of regret if it was a right decision to pursue the completely contrarian path of accounting, economics, business and finance. Over time however, it was quite clear that I would not be happy being an observer or a commentator (any art as they say, is after all is a mirror to one self and society). In my head, I wanted to walk the war, 'do', make a difference, however tiny. And I am now quite sold to this idea. So, at the end of one half of a life, after drifting through many worlds, I can say with some certainty that I have 'found'. Only the manner of execution remains to be discovered. So I am glad in retrospect that I did study business and major in finance – IIMA equipped me with enough wings to be able to fly towards a different horizon.

Back to the packing now. Some more statistics - over a hundred books, 20 paintings, a million dvds....in 2 years. In retrospect, how did I find the time to manage all this??? Time sure was intense.....

Happy, happy..to be back. Tra la la ...

Free Fall

Its a lazy Tuesday morning. The end of my last deal. The beginning of the free fall... Its strange 'not' to have to stress about funds flowing or numbers adding....not to have to manage consultant speak, investor queries, p&l calculations, excel models, markets crashing, spreads widening...all marking the end of one phase of life in the fast lane.

Ystd, I had a long dinner with my vp. 6 glasses of champagne and lots of conversations later...she convinced me, it got no better with time. Work hard for one half of your life in an attempt to buy freedom, to truly do what you want to do, but then spend the next half being bound sub-conciously to a different kind of routine....

Its surreal almost. Have waited for so long for this day, cant believe its actually here.

India, here I come....

Scared...

Saw lagaan today. Yes, I know. Didnt see this historical movie for so long.

Scared. Having lived a life so far away from rural India, can I return?? Will I be an alien in my own land......?

Can I do anything worthwhile...?

But then, is it worth living without finding out? I want to find out.

...And one year later!

I have jumped!! From the firm hold of my job as an investment banker at Goldman Sachs International, London into the world of unknown…..following a vague notion of fulfilment …Of hope, love and change. Of a desire to contribute, to make that bit, however tiny, of difference. It is an open wide field with infinite paths of various colors…I am now only familiar with the shades that I will choose, the definitive path is yet to be discovered.

I have resigned this week from GS and taken the plunge. I will be returning to Bangalore, India by first week of September and looking around for a bit. Spending some time rediscovering roots. With this ends my time as a hard nosed banker. I have had a most interesting peek into this very exciting, even if void world. It has been a world so contrasted to the one in my thoughts, that I have often felt quite external to it…like watching a movie – a passiveness. Have seen big games played out at close quarters. Have travelled, met the most interesting people and made many friendships. Worked the 120 hour weeks. Complex analysis, tougher negotiations. All in a world where to optimise is to dehumanise.

I didn’t anticipate the smell of freedom would be so delicately sweet. It feels light and truly joyous!!!!

I am finally free.

My new guitar!!!!!!!!

The Fender Stratocaster.....a dream guitar!

Sleeping with Others

A beautiful poem by Stephen Dunn, Pulitzer Prize winner, 2001.

Sleeping With Others

Because memory and its intrusive nostalgias
lie down with us,
it helps to say we love each other,

each declaration a small erasure, the past
for a while reduced to a trace,
the heart's palimpsest to a murmur.

Still, our solitudes are so populated
that sometimes after sex
we know it's best to be quiet -

time having instructed us in the art
of the unspoken,
of in the sufficient eloquence

of certain sighs. Regret shows up
unpredictably,
sleeping with, but never between us.

Like joy it doesn't stay long, quickly tiring
of the language
used in its name, wanting only itself.

We've made this bed. We're old enough
to know sorrow may visit
now and then, and that the world slides in

at will - ugly, dark, confident it belongs.
Nothing to do but let it
touch us, allow it to hurt, and remind

'Meaning'

Dean Harker at S's graduation at Wharton gave a beautiful speech on the role of business leaders in today's environment. Quite a contrast from Laxmi Mittal who spoke thereafter on a long, pain-stakingly detailed account of the Mittal-Arcelor deal.

An excerpt of the speech is as below:

John Gardner, a great academic and civic leader, said this about meaning:

“Meaning is not something you stumble across, like the answer to a riddle or the prize in a treasure hunt. Meaning is something you build into your life.

“You build it out of your own past, out of your affections and loyalties, out of the experience of humankind as it is passed on to you, out of your own talent and understanding, out of the things you believe in, out of the things and people you love, out of the values for which you are willing to sacrifice something.

“The ingredients are there. You are the only one who can put them together into that unique pattern that will be your life. Let it be a life that has dignity and meaning for you. If it does, then the particular balance of success or failure – as the world measures success or failure – is of less account.”

On a separate note :-) , started playing the guitar. Will put up pictures over the weekend.

Parting

My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.

- Emily Dickinson

Motivation and beyond..

Have finally joined a painting class. My first professional training ever in oil-painting. It looks like a large commitment in terms of time (every sat 10-5pm for 10 Saturdays) – given the insanity of time pressure on the weekdays (Ah! The pitfalls of an investment banking job), weekends are crucial to numb down the high frequency pitch of the mind and indulge in a contrasted world of calmness, utter solitude and peace. Fitting this routine on weekends is going to require a certain amount of rigour and commitment to the art – I hope I am able to live it out.

First class was satisfying. The studio is large with big windows and as spring has now set in, there is lot of sunlight through the day. Alison (www.harperart.com) has a beautiful mind – it is wonderful to finally meet someone in flesh and blood who shares this deep love and passion for the art. I did a still life of three peppers in complementary colors for this class - will put it up next week once I get the painting back home. I learnt about color toning and also did a painting for the first time without turps. It was not easy to do the detailing without a paint thinner but not as hard as I imagined either. Loved the overall tone and texture of the painting eventually. Alison made me do a canvas wash in acrylic in a complementary color of the actual background before I began the painting. I had never experimented with acrylics and oils together on canvas before - loved the overall warm feel and the painting really started coming together due to that wash. Also learnt to avoid too much detailing in the beginning but to work on all parts of a painting parallely and get into levels of detailing for the painting as a whole (this was initially anti intuitive to me – need to unlearn quite a bit and consiously control instincts to get it right). For the next class, I need to do a black and white painting.

Also joined an online guitar class recommended by F, www.nextlevelguitar.com . The teacher, Dave seems to have a very simplistic approach to guitar learning and has taken the fear out of my mind. He makes it a lot of fun. The last time I tried learning to play a guitar (on IIMA campus), it was a disaster - mostly due to a combination of lack of practise as a result of severe case of bumming out and fear (not really sure why). This time, there is the benefit of unlimited runs of the online videos and besides, Dave has dumbed it down sufficiently for beginners, so looks like a lot of fun. So far, the lessons have been quite exciting really. Need to buy a good electric guitar.

It was also evaluation week at work. Usual reviews - nothing unexpected except that what was in my head so far is now apparent to the world. Motivation or rather lack of it.....apparently, they have not seen anyone ranked as high on technicals and productivity to be ranked as low on motivation.... so now its an open secret!

More travel lined up for next week. Can’t wait to meet S and A at Philly next weekend. Until then – Adios!

Marrakech

Arabian Shooters on Horses at the 'Pasha'

Snake charmers at the Souq

An artifact store at the Souq

The market behind the 'Kutoubia'

Cactii in the blue garden

Spice shop at the souq


Our horse carriage ride around the city


(Blog to follow)

Of conflict, free will and Marrakech

What would life be without conflict, I often wonder… one with no dichotomy in choices. A friend once said, you are open to vulnerability only if you allow yourself to feel. A life of vacant emotion or profound pain…..? Of stability or free-will? Few months to go….time and this blog will soon tell.

As an aside, a lot of travel lined up these next few months..so more blogs to follow:

• Visit to Marrakech next week for 4 days on an office offsite
• Visit to Philly, Pennsylvania mid May for S’s convocation at Wharton
• Visit to Switzerland end of May for S’ post convo celebration
• Short weekend visit again to Paris

Cant wait to do Marrakech, have a 3 mnth visa. So might do Casablanca later as well.

Until then, adios....will keep painting.

Rant...

Its been a while since I painted. Been incredibly busy this past month.....its proving to be hard to keep the balance between the harshness of my day job and prevent spillage into the constrasted world of free thought and expression. Work almost resembles a battlefield these days...its the last lap on a couple of deals, so cut throat negotiation time, we are all gathering all our energy and making the final last incredible push....

Painting in the meantime has almost completely stopped and this rant is an attempt to stem the guilt.....a promise to start one today.

I, Me, Myself..........

A bit on indulgence....on a bored Sunday morning....

1. Were you named after anyone? No

2. Do you wish on stars? Yes. Also wish on fallen eyelashes

3. When did you last cry? Err…today. Remembering Mom

4. Do you like your handwriting? Its alright. Sis’ handwriting is the tops, mine is a distant second

5. What is your favourite meat? Salmon

6. What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf? Shakira

7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Sure

8. Are you a daredevil? A small one

9. How do you release anger? A walk, talk, thoughts and tears ...and sometimes an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S (ditto for the bluey days with chocolate added)

10. Where is your second home? My apt in London, Home in Mumbai is always first home (IIM Ahmedabad would be the only other 'home')

11. Do you trust others easily? Nope, it takes a long long time

12. Passions/ Interests? Painting, blogging, reading, poetry, reform, movies, cooking, chatting…..

13. What class in school/college do you think is totally useless? Some of the geography classes. Didn’t do much for me :-)

14. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Yeah

15. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? No

16. What do you look for in a guy/girl? Freedom of thought, and well, just chemistry :-)

17. Would you bungee jump? Would be horrified at that moment, closest to anything adventurous was para sailing (under pressure)

18. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Never, yeah lazy me :-)

19. What’s your favourite ice cream? Belgium chocolate..yummmm

20. What are your favourite colours? Black, i find it mysterious, all encompassing…..strong...

21. What are your least favourite things? Routine of any sort, esp waking up early to go to work

22. How many people do you have a crush on right now? No crushes really, a few seem ‘interesting’

23. Who do you miss most right now? Amma’s food

24. What are you listening to right now? Floyd

25. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Black (would like to think for reasons in 20 above)

26. What is the weather like right now? Chilly

27. Last person you talked to on the phone? An ex

28. The “first” thing you notice about the opposite sex? Height, fingers, eyes

29. Do you like the person who sent you this? No-one did

30. How are you today? Going strong, despite a cold

31. Favourite non alcoholic drink? Masala chai

33. Natural hair colour? Black

34. Eye colour? Black

35. Wear contacts? Yeah, practically blind without ‘em

36. Siblings? 3

37. Favourite month? June…fond childhood memories of the first rain

38. Favourite food? Dal chawal

39. Favourite day of the year? ???

40. Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out? Nope

41. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings. Always happy endings.

42. Summer or winter? Winter

43. Holi or Diwali? Diwali

44. Do you like your name? Don’t get me started on that one…grrrr

45. What book/magazine are you reading? The Cold War

46. What’s on your mouse pad? Using a laptop

47. What did you watch on TV last night? Koffee with Karan (ps addicted)

48. Favourite Smell? Ange Ou Demons, Givenchy

49. Have you ever regretted breaking up with someone? No

50. Most embarassing thing you have experienced: Several, when I lose my way 10 yards from home, when I cry inconsolably at the slightest emotional scenes in movies…..

Of Shilpa Shetty, Dignity and Big Brotha...

For the whole of last week there has been no escaping this. Britain seems to have erupted into a national debate over the alleged racist remarks directed towards Indian actress Shilpa Shetty in a reality TV show ‘Celebrity Big Brother’. It is everywhere – in offices, cabs, retail outlets, parks - basically any public place/ event involving people greater than one; not mentioning the media and its relentless coverage of the issue. Being Indian hasn't helped - every non Indian friend/ acquaintance gingerly approaches the topic to know the ‘rational’ (yeah!) Indian sentiment – Were Jade Goody and her ilk racist or was it just a case of bullying? Are Indians and a big part of the British public over-reacting?? Or is the UK rapidly turning into an intolerant society??

Now I have no hang-ups in admitting that I enjoy the occasional Vanity Fair or Heat :-) – it's a world shockingly different from my own and is a welcome break after heavy days of intellectual snobbery. But I have never been able to get through a single episode of Big Brother until this flare-up. I actually don't own a TV (inherently lazy self needs just the slightest excuse to spend the whole day in bed), but the one episode I did begin to watch was appalling to say the least. The entire format of this kind of reality TV is sickening – the producers revel in display of human nature at its worst extremes masquerading it as ‘entertainment’ and even worse, it actually seems to capture sufficient eye balls to keep their purses ringing.

Shilpa Shetty has however changed it all. 6 hours of intense CBB watching and several votes for Jade’s eviction (ah! The new-age patriotism) later, there is now an intense need to voice an opinion on the subject :-) Every Black, Asian, Hispanic, German, French, even Scottish dudes have been hogging prime time expressing their views specifically on whether the comments on CBB had an implied racial slur and more generally on whether UK has become an intolerant racist society. With true desi Indian blood running through my veins, it will be spiteful not to have my 10 pennies worth :-)! Besides, Ms Shetty and moi (and the gals, you know who you are) come from the same under-grad college (Bombay's geek hangout - Podar). So here’s the low-down...

To be fair to Jade Goody, she did come across as a far more genuine person than Shilpa and between the two of them, it was definitely Shilpa with a chip on the shoulder. But hey, this is entertainment on television. Why must there be brownie points for being ‘real’?? And come’ on! The show is ‘Celebrity’ big brother!! By definition, the people involved are ones who have lived larger than life personalities for most part of their lives and fundamentally come in with inflated egos. The social situation is attempted to be made interesting by the fact that people who have lived unreal lives for most part get down to a house of managed reality – where they need to cook their own food, wash their clothes and generally don't have a bevy of helpers of various kinds around. So, what was Jade Goody thinking?? Jade herself is a product of reality TV – she participated in BB 4 years back and is now supposedly the 25th most influential person in the world - turning in $8 million per annum top line for sale of perfumes, TV shows and an assorted other bunch of solutions riding on her brand!! (And I have spent half my life getting educated and am spending the rest apparently in building dreams – seriously! Should have taken the easier route to fame!!) But nothing, really nothing excuses attacking someone on their ethnic origin. Eating with the fingers and "who knows where she put them first???" Bleaching face because "oh do you have a stubble like a man??" And because ‘"she wants to be white’’ “F*** off home to your ‘shack’??” Well, pretty racist and almost unforgivable I say.

Is this a mirror to the British society or generally the world per se?? Just purely going by the extent of sentiment this has aroused, it would be hard to say ... Several thousand people seem to have taken these comments as a personal assault, almost as if it was their personal angst now magnified on the screen. Tolerance appears to be limited not just in Western societies, but also in societies across the world (including Indian) for anything that is ‘different’. The fear of the ‘unknown’ is a rather powerful one and appears to instill suspicion, mistrust in many. For some, it is a function of the insecurities within. Information partly seems to break these barriers, it at least resolves the ‘unknown’ part of the equation (One of my close pals here is English, but is also one of the better traveled people I know). For the other, there is little help – it is so much a product of one’s upbringing and surroundings, and to the extent that is less than perfect, there will always continue to be an undercurrent of friction.

As for Shilpa, well, looking forward to seeing her on every other issue of Vanity Fair and Heat :-) She is a celebrity in the making here....$6 big ones for appearing on the show and the counter is still ticking for a lot - lot - more.....

The Word

For all those days of being caught up - a little something from today's minstrels. Loved it.

"The Word"

Down near the bottom
of the crossed-out list
of things you have to do today,

between "green thread"
and "broccoli" you find
that you have penciled "sunlight."

Resting on the page, the word
is as beautiful, it touches you
as if you had a friend

and sunlight were a present
he had sent you from some place distant
as this morning -- to cheer you up,

and to remind you that,
among your duties, pleasure
is a thing,

that also needs accomplishing
Do you remember?
that time and light are kinds

of love, and love
is no less practical
than a coffee grinder

or a safe spare tire?
Tomorrow you may be utterly
without a clue

but today you get a telegram,
from the heart in exile
proclaiming that the kingdom

still exists,
the king and queen alive,
still speaking to their children,

- to any one among them
who can find the time,
to sit out in the sun and listen.

-- Tony Hoagland

Amsterdam

Va va wooooooooommmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Absolutely stunning!! Very close to being my favourite European city so far. For such a long time, Amsterdam to my mind represented sleaze, dope, the Red Light District and general party place. Oh how mistaken I was!! My work-related research tells me that Amsterdam is THE most popular tourist destination in Europe, with Barcelona coming in second. After this trip, I am not surprised.

Amsterdam is all that it is touted to be. It’s a city that embraced very forward ideas and legalised prostitution, same sex marriages, abortion etc way before any of their counterparts worldwide. Yet, it is so much, so much more..To begin with, little is written about what a truly charming city this is. ‘Venice of the north’ some call it. Other say, Venice must be called, ‘Amsterdam of the South’. It is surprising though – Venice has found so many artists appreciating it – atleast a million paintings done so far on the charming little canals in Venice, not so much on Amsterdam though. It is a city that has been largely built by reclaiming land from the sea. It has a few hundred canals with a few thousand bridges. Something about water makes me insane – it just adds so much character to a city. Every few minutes of walking and one comes across a water body, complete with beautiful trees around it. This place must really come alive in summer, there is so much vegetation and I am told that the streets are lined with Tulips.

The next truly beautiful aspect I loved is the architecture. One of my favourite things about London (and not so much about NYC or Mumbai) is the white period buildings, done in 3-4 storeys. White is a predominant color in London’s architecture as is brown in Rome and green in Stockholm. But in Amsterdam, red it is. The same beautiful brick buildings in various shades and hues of reddish brown. Brick buildings similar to the Gothic architecture, but done in a very unique Dutch style. Again, like London, no high rises – most buildings are 3-4 storied. The tram is a big mode of public transport and streets are quite narrow and again mostly of stone (not concrete) – again adding onto that mystical character of the city. Overall, it was a treat to the eyes – I have fallen in love with this city.

People of all ethnicities live here – the city is very crowded unlike Greece. Housing has been a predominant problem, so people resorted to building house boats – there are 5,000 house boats in Amsterdam, with water, electricity and other necessary connections!! Food is never a problem, the huge inflow of tourists have resulted into plenty of Chinese, Mexican, Indian food joints all over the city.

I am a self confessed Museum Geek, so spent a large part of one day at the Van Gogh museum. Now this is a must visit, even if you don’t really enjoying art so much. It has about 200 paintings from various stages of Van Gogh’s life. Van Gogh and Rembrant are the Dutch contributions to the Great Masters. Something about Van Gogh’s life is so disturbing – the story of a loser in his living, but genius after death. A story of a knowledge of something powerful, the ability to see and touch the other world….the sensitivity of a true artist, yet trapped in the frustration of the lack of recognition, an inability to communicate to the world…..yet such sheer genius in work……a story of it having gone wrong…unrequited love, unfulfilled dreams …yet spectacular beauty in the mind. I can go on and on about Van Gogh – one of the most engaging painters of all time, truly one of the revered Great Master, his work inspired the whole Expressionist movement thereafter. Some of the famous Expressionists even followed in the master’s footsteps and suffered from a series of mental derangements towards the later part of their lives. I think Van Gogh’s tragic real life story in many ways was a point of identification for many people worldwide….his unhappy life, yet his mind – oh his beautiful mind reflected in his paintings…his thick brush strokes, rough painting style….the desperation, frustration, hope – all reflected in each and every stroke…..The classical masters were excellent technicians, brilliant with an expression of reality as is. Van Gogh was not high on technique, but the expression of reality in its raw emotional sense as he perceived it….expression of emotions through the nature….hope for eg, through a full blossomed almond tree, insanity through swirling Cyprus trees…..the rawness is there in his paint, in his colors….this is carried forward in the Expressionist movement in paintings. Bright colors, vivid expressions – starkness of reality in its pyschic emotional sense. Van-Gogh himself was a post-impressionist, drawing many painting techniques from the impressionist era. Spent a 100 euro buying every print I could of his paintings. Apparently, he could sell only one painting while he was alive. Such a pity.

Anyways, I am coming back here again in summer…..Amsterdam is up there….definitely go visit if you plan to do a European tour sometime.