Packing

Today is one of the last weekends in London. Moving countries can be overwhelming, I discovered. As I was telling a friend, M, earlier, I have moved 8 homes in the last 4 years! And travelled to 15 countries in the last 2 years - Greece, Italy, The Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, France, England, Wales, Scotland, Spain, Morocco, Sweden, Norway, America and good ol India ! Have taken over 60 flights in 2 years and done the India-London leg alone around 14 times, Lon-NY 3 times, Lon-Paris over 15 times.

Much of the world remains to be seen. I am very keen on doing the Far East, Japan, Cambodia and Africa. Europe now seems largely similar - although each country was unique, I found a common vein running through all and soon there came a degree of predictability on what to expect - however Eastern Europe could be potentially interesting. The travel bug bit and took its pound of flesh, however is now satiated for the moment and hibernating for a bit. The sense of 'hurry' to see the world appears to have calmed down for now and there is a realization that a good part of life remains to see and absorb the rest of our beautiful world.

The last 3 months have been far too overwhelming at work to do any travel or to paint or write anything meaningful or even attempt to play the guitar. It was a tough period of complex negotiations, running the last lap of a very long race, a time when I internalized the identity of a banker - very strange this, only when the end was near did I begin to feel like one. Well, I guess one begins to appreciate only when the time becomes obviously finite. It was also a time of a painter's block, writer's block, music block...basically a creative glut. It is quite interesting how the mind needs such a huge amount of space and a sense of being free emotionally and mentally to be able to observe and create. This is going to be a challenge in the coming months. Entrepreneurship, in its very definition has a strong sense of ownership to the job and in that sense; it is going to be hard to ‘feel free and disengaged' to dissolve into a different kind of a creative space.

My father often reminds me of the need to have a 'primary sense of identity' ie where all other personas are complementary – his distilled words of wisdom to prevent internal chaos and live in harmony. In the past, as a teenager, I have thought of pursing the 'arts' and giving a life to it and many times wondered with an inevitable tinge of regret if it was a right decision to pursue the completely contrarian path of accounting, economics, business and finance. Over time however, it was quite clear that I would not be happy being an observer or a commentator (any art as they say, is after all is a mirror to one self and society). In my head, I wanted to walk the war, 'do', make a difference, however tiny. And I am now quite sold to this idea. So, at the end of one half of a life, after drifting through many worlds, I can say with some certainty that I have 'found'. Only the manner of execution remains to be discovered. So I am glad in retrospect that I did study business and major in finance – IIMA equipped me with enough wings to be able to fly towards a different horizon.

Back to the packing now. Some more statistics - over a hundred books, 20 paintings, a million dvds....in 2 years. In retrospect, how did I find the time to manage all this??? Time sure was intense.....

Happy, happy..to be back. Tra la la ...

Free Fall

Its a lazy Tuesday morning. The end of my last deal. The beginning of the free fall... Its strange 'not' to have to stress about funds flowing or numbers adding....not to have to manage consultant speak, investor queries, p&l calculations, excel models, markets crashing, spreads widening...all marking the end of one phase of life in the fast lane.

Ystd, I had a long dinner with my vp. 6 glasses of champagne and lots of conversations later...she convinced me, it got no better with time. Work hard for one half of your life in an attempt to buy freedom, to truly do what you want to do, but then spend the next half being bound sub-conciously to a different kind of routine....

Its surreal almost. Have waited for so long for this day, cant believe its actually here.

India, here I come....

Scared...

Saw lagaan today. Yes, I know. Didnt see this historical movie for so long.

Scared. Having lived a life so far away from rural India, can I return?? Will I be an alien in my own land......?

Can I do anything worthwhile...?

But then, is it worth living without finding out? I want to find out.

...And one year later!

I have jumped!! From the firm hold of my job as an investment banker at Goldman Sachs International, London into the world of unknown…..following a vague notion of fulfilment …Of hope, love and change. Of a desire to contribute, to make that bit, however tiny, of difference. It is an open wide field with infinite paths of various colors…I am now only familiar with the shades that I will choose, the definitive path is yet to be discovered.

I have resigned this week from GS and taken the plunge. I will be returning to Bangalore, India by first week of September and looking around for a bit. Spending some time rediscovering roots. With this ends my time as a hard nosed banker. I have had a most interesting peek into this very exciting, even if void world. It has been a world so contrasted to the one in my thoughts, that I have often felt quite external to it…like watching a movie – a passiveness. Have seen big games played out at close quarters. Have travelled, met the most interesting people and made many friendships. Worked the 120 hour weeks. Complex analysis, tougher negotiations. All in a world where to optimise is to dehumanise.

I didn’t anticipate the smell of freedom would be so delicately sweet. It feels light and truly joyous!!!!

I am finally free.